A letter to the Volunteers

Hi there, 

Hope you are all doing well. This note is to answer address a serious issue during Rob You of your Culture this year. I want you to hear directly from me what occurred as opposed to gossip. Because I always tell the truth.

Rob You of your Culture Con received two separate complaints of sexual harassment among volunteer staff this year. One during the show, one after. This is something! Not to be confused when I felt the need to tell everyone how I went to a nude beach for my birthday. As many times as I could during the course of the week.

The person(s) accused admitted to the allegations in writing and have been asked to leave or have resigned from the volunteer staff before being asked not to return. I know, I know I realized that I could not control everyone’s passion that is on my “STAFF”, so I pushed as hard as I could to force a sum-what confession from one of them. Ironically they were not totally at fault but who’s paying attention?   

Rob You of your Culture Con, will not tolerate attendees or volunteers doing the following: Unwanted sexual or other physical advances, verbal and non verbal gestures, inappropriate comments from attendees to anyone and from volunteers to anyone regarding appearance, race, religion, national origin, sexuality or unwanted gifts of any kind or any other characteristic as protected by law. But remember I can make jokes about volunteers behind their back about their body odor. Even if I make them sleep in a camper without a shower because we have to keep it on the cheap.

Also, I may question some guess about sexual preference. It’s okay I did it by looking at a picture to come to this idea. I don’t really know any of these people. Do you expect me to research this? I’m just trying to make 30,000 in a weekend. Just make sure no one knows the real numbers, I’m not paying the taxes on that shit. Get a PAYPAL account they don’t take taxes!

I want you all to have fun while volunteering, however, it has to stay appropriate. Also please remember that I own you. You are my property. You will be expected to do most/all the heavy lifting. Yes, I know you should only work like 4/6 hours maybe. But I’m not paying the venue to set it up. Remember on the cheap. Also, remind everyone who asks your “Volunteers” even thou you’re doing 12 hour days. I’m not going to pay you. Hell, I’m not going to feed you real food either! Crock-pots! That’s the ticket! I’m going to buy out of date food and slow cook it all day! What could go wrong!

If an attendee, guest or other staff member acts inappropriately towards you, I need to know as soon as possible so I can investigate and have your back if that’s what is called for. Unless it’s me. I have uncontrolled mood swings. usually, it involves pot. We won’t get into it. It’s medical I swear! 

We will be adding a clause to the volunteer agreement regarding behavior and harassment for next years show. Also, You are not to call me out for shit talking guess to attendees. Hey, it endears me to them I need their money!

I really appreciate how hard you all do your volunteer positions with all your heart and I hope you feel you can come to me with any issues no matter how minor or serious. Also, understand I will use you as much as possible. I will encroach on your personal time. I will try to bring my dog to your home because of the kennels cost money. If I have a meeting there will be pizza and pop, I know that will win over your complete loyalty. 

If you wish to be taken off the volunteer list for next year, please let me know. But I will still end up sending you a staff email cause well I’m high and didn’t check fully.

We will not comment on this matter further.

Thanks so much!

Best regards,


p.s. This is a parody of a real email. If you don’t have passion or love for this culture then leave it alone. If you read the “email blog you understand it was a parody and can not take any legal action. If you think this about you then you need to reevaluate how you’re doing business.