Here you go again.

The baby was born. There was so much blood. I was numb, without feeling. I wasn’t sure if it was my head or my feelings. Mine was emerging so much blood. More than I had ever seen in my life. The baby was born and they placed her in the baby bed to the side so they could fully look at her. While this was happening I could either watch as they pressed on my Wife’s stomach to help the blood leave, or look at the baby. I choose the latter.

She was so small. It had been so long since I saw a newborn. I looked over at my wife. They finally stop the bleeding. So I guess she was going to live. There where Angel harps and Demon trombones screaming in my heart for that fact. I felt nothing looking on the baby. She had the bluest eyes. I to date do not. I sat and wondered if this what my wife felt like when my son was born? I didn’t hate the baby I just felt nothing.

My Wife was instantly different with this baby. She was not suffering from postpartum this time. It was good to see her interact with the baby. But my son more than noticed the difference. He would ask me later if Mom loves the baby more. Of course, I tried to assure him that wasn’t true. He would answer back with, “then why was she never like that with me?”

Lies are good sometimes, right?

Wife was back to work when the time came. She had gotten a gift from her boss for the baby. Nothing to write home about. But what stood out to me was her co-worker, that I was sure she was involved with got the baby an outfit. It was a nice gesture. It was some hood trash shit. From one of these discount stores in a strip mall. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a clothing snob, I just wasn’t going to put a baby in something that said juicy. I think I threw it out almost right away. I needed to move into a home. I was tired of living in apartments. So we would join a program that would help you buy a house. I felt it was the only I could do to try to get away from this point in my life.

So at this time, I began to work overnights. Because I ran out of money for college. We needed money because of mounting bills. Plus trying to buy a house this was the only we way, to make all that debt go down. The problem with this I didn’t sleep well ever since the accident. So stay up all night, trying to nap when the baby napped wasn’t great. I would get home at 7 something in the morning. Maybe sleep an hour before She had to go to work. Then the baby would be up and needed to be tended to. I would wash, rinse and repeat this what felt like months. But in fact, it was a year of this. Everything felt like some unimpressive dream, that I couldn’t wake up from. When I would drive home I would always swerve because I thought I would see a black dog running across the street. There was never a dog. Was there? My mind is running non-stop now.

While this happened a different scenario would play out in my head. With the information that the Doctor gave me. Who was she cheating with? How many times did it happen? How many people were there? Where did it happen? Did she love the person? Why was I not good enough to be the person that she slept with? My head would pound with these thoughts while I took care of the baby. Burn my brain as I would prepare dinner. Laugh at me while I would pick up my son from the bus stop.

Those thoughts never seem to end.

One day when I was off I brought the baby to see my wife. She was the only one there. She seems really happy to see the baby. Which is good. Our relationship was beyond non-affectionate. The visit did not last long. As I was leaving I saw her coworker outside. I said thanks for the outfit. And asked if he had seen the baby yet? He said no. I tried to turn her to face him. I said she’s got the craziest blues… That’s when I noticed his eyes. They were the same color. He barely looked in the babies direction. I said without even thinking theirs just like yours. And walked away quickly. What the fuck just happened?

Now, do you feel better venting?

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