CHRIS X FILES BLOG

Existential Crisis

Just so we’re all on the same page. Yes it’s “we’re” not “Ya’ll”. My God I’m becoming that guy.

Everyday challenges and stresses may not provoke an existential crisis. This type of crisis is likely to follow deep despair or a significant event, such as a major trauma or a major loss. A few causes of an existential crisis may include:

  • guilt about something
  • losing a loved one in death, or facing the reality of one’s own death
  • feeling socially unfulfilled
  • dissatisfaction with self
  • history of bottled up emotions -Healthline.com

This is the last holiday season that my family as I know it will be together. The divorce is all but done. And I found myself a mess of emotions. I hate not being able to control them. I can’t sit in a crowded restaurant without a anxiety attack hitting me. I feel so trapped. All my life I have been an extrovert. Now I try not to see too much of the outside world if it can’t be controlled.

Yes I leave the house. I still have a job. In Fact I had to get a second one. If I leave the house it has to be to someone’s house that won’t ask too many questions. Someone I can trust. But it has to be in small doses. Because if it’s not then I start to lose it. Can’t breathe. My hands start to shake. To honest it’s getting hard to drive.

Why am I telling you this? This ever so deep dark secret? So I don’t have one. I’m tired of them. Tired of “Friends/Family” seeing you going through this hot flaming shit and saying “If you need anything I’m here for you.” Which is bullshit. That simply translates to “If it’s convenient to me and I benefit and it will make me feel better about myself”. People are shallow vapid ghouls. Relax it’s not the divorce talking. I’ve spent 40 years coming up with this thesis.

Recently I found myself sleeping earlier. Remembering less or so I’ve been told. Self medication plus real medication is a mighty one two punch. Mood swings seemed to be triggered by people trying to control me who have no right to question me. I’m told I should talk to someone, but I have you.

2020 is going to be here in a few days. This is when those aforementioned ghouls will start making up glorious resolutions. You know the ones: Lose Weight, Eat less, Workout, Be more outgoing, Find Love. The very sad thing is they’ll start the 100 days of happiness posts on their Instagram and crapout after 6. They won’t change. They don’t want to. But who are we to judge? We’re people. That is what we use to drive our days.

So here’s my PROMISE 2020. I will use this horrible event to refocus my path. To rid myself of the Ghouls dragging me down for so many years. To be happy on my terms.

Plus I’m bringing the Podcast back.

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